House Remedies
by John Faina
Summary: As we all know, the Wilson and Sam relationship has kicked the bucket. As we all, including Gregory House, hoped it would. This story only contains dialogue. Enjoy!


"Did you propose to her?"

"Yes."

"The thought of marriage scared her that badly?"

"Yes."

"There's more to it than that."

"Yes."

"Wilson!"

"What?"

"Quit wallowing and drink the beer like a big boy. This is the whole reason I brought them with me."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine, neither do I. Just act like you would have if I hadn't kicked you out yesterday."

"How's that?"

"Well, you've got the depressed tone going, so all that's left is to get plastered."

"I don't feel like getting plastered tonight, House."

"That's odd."

"Where's Cuddy?"

"Working late."

"Something you did?"

"Naturally. I had to make time for you somehow, didn't I?"

"No. You didn't. I'm fine."

"Oh. Right."

"I don't need you here."

"Right."

"I'm not joking. You should leave."

"You're angry because I kicked you out."

"No - I understand that you just got back on good terms with Cuddy - "

"But you're still angry. And you're hurt."

"I'm not - "

"Oh, come on. You're ex-wife just left you a _second_ time, and when you came running to me for comfort, I kicked you to the curb because _I_ still have a shot with _my_ girlfriend. You can't say that didn't affect you."

"Well - "

"I'm sorry."

"House - "

"It was selfish of me."

"No, House, it wasn't. I get it. That's not why I'm asking you to leave."

"Wrong flavor beer?"

"I'm asking you to leave because I need you here _too_ much. Okay? I need you way too much."

"Then I'll stay."

"No."

"How does that make any - "

"Despite the fact that we've barely talked to each other lately - except my giving you advice about Cuddy - I've been feeling really close to you - I don't know why. And there are certain things we never do that I'm afraid of doing if you stay, and if I drink anymore. You wouldn't appreciate it, and our friendship would become very strained. I can't have that."

"Wow. That was painfully honest, wasn't it?"

"Don't be an ass."

"What are you afraid of doing?"

"I don't know. Something stupid, like trying to use your shoulder to cry on. That's sure to scare the piss out of you. Emotions and all that."

"Is that all?"

"I _don't_ know. I'm vulnerable right now. I _need_ physical contact of any kind, and as the night goes on, if _you're_ sitting there, I could end up trying to hug you or worse! I need it, and you need to go because we _don't_ do that. It'll be better for both of us if you just leave me alone so that everything stays the way it is."

"I don't like things the way they are."

"Why?"

"Because Cuddy and I are only going to continue to have disagreements, and we're going to continue to fight, and I don't want to put up with it. And spending time with her has cut off spending time with you."

"_We_ fight and have disagreements."

"Yes, but I don't have to constantly worry that I'm gonna say something to piss you off so badly that you end the friendship."

"That's true."

"That's true?"

"Uh...yes. Was I not supposed to agree?"

"I'm telling you something important, Wilson."

"What is it?"

"That you're a moron, obviously. I _miss_ you."

"House, you shouldn't tell me that right now...I'm not kidding."

"I think the real person who is scared here, is you."

Wilson said nothing.

"Do you miss _me_?"

"You're - I mean, you're my best friend."

"Yeah, yeah - do you _miss_ me?"

"Immensely."

"So something needs to be done. You don't have Sam holding you back anymore, so what to do about Cuddy..."

"You sound like you're plotting murder."

"I _would_ kill for you...but that might make things a lot more difficult than they have to be..."

"_What_ are you talking about?"

"I'd end up in jail, where we wouldn't be able to see each other anyway, which defeats the entire purpose - "

"You plan on coming up with some elaborate scheme in order for us to see each other more?"

"Of course."

"We're not in a secret relationship. You can simply _tell_ Cuddy that you think you ought to spend more time with me - "

"I love you."

" - and she'd probably - what?"

"Your friendship is more important to me than my relationship with Cuddy."

"You've actually gone insane."

"You don't believe me?"

"How much did you drink before you came over here?"

"Not a drop, Wilson. Why wouldn't you believe that I care about you more? I've known you longer - "

"You haven't, actually. You met Cuddy in medical school - "

"Okay, but I haven't had a lasting, close, personal relationship with her - "

"But, _now_, you _do_ have a personal relationship with her."

"So what? I'd sacrifice anything to have _our_ relationship back. Our real one that we had...before _you_ kicked _me_ out."

"It's different than the one we have now?"

"Of course it is! You said it yourself - we only talk when I run to you for advice. Before you kicked me out, you bought _that_ organ."

"You never said anything."

"About the organ?"

"No, about my new shoes."

"What was I supposed to say about the damn organ? _Oh, James, it's simply wonderful! Thank you so much! Does this mean you want to sleep with me? _Yes, that sounds like me."

"That last part sort of does. Nice and blunt."

"It sounds like me to ask about sex?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"Oh, let me rephrase - it sounds like me to ask about sex _from you_?"

"It wouldn't have been the first time you've made sexual references to me, honestly."

"Alright. We're about to start talking in circles. What I'm _trying_ to tell you is - I miss you, and I want us to go back to the way we were. No women to be seen or heard of."

"You really want to dump Cuddy in favor of our friendship?"

"Hey, bros before hoes, man."

"Uh..."

"Damn it, Wilson, you're missing - let me spell it out. _I_ want to dump Cuddy _for_ _you_. _You_! Understand? I want to take everything Cuddy and I have in our current relationship, and transfer it over to _you_, minus the horrible lack of anything other than a sexual spark."

"So, you're going to somehow _transfer_ the sexual spark? House, you've officially cracked the jackpot."

"No need. It's already there."

"Oh, is it?"

"How can you deny that?"

"Because you're totally screwing with me."

"Not quite. We could get there by the end of the night, however - "

"Okay, stop. I'm not having sex with you, and you are going to go back home to Cuddy and think about what you've done."

"What have I done?"

"Ruined our entire friendship."

"Right. I always knew if this day ever came, you would be very very calm and rational."

"You've thought about it before?"

"I've thought about you in every way possible."

"House, you do recognize that the definition for creepy is annoying and unpleasant? Or perhaps the word disturbing - causing distress, worry, or anxiety - "

"Wow, I had no idea I was talking to a dictionary. Maybe I _am_ cracking up..."

"Thought about me in heels yet? A dress? Togan? No - a loincloth! You've imagined me, swinging through the trees, symbolizing the loss of your own sanity, wearing nothing but a loincloth, symbolizing your sudden urge to see me naked!"

"Hey."

"Hey, what?"

"Feel better?"

"I - what?"

"Do. You. Feel. Better?"

"Better...?"

"Yes, _better_! As in - you know, _better_ than before. Rhymes with wetter."

"Oh, I - you mean about Sam? I, uh - yes, I...well, no, not really, now that I'm thinking about it again."

"But, the important thing is, you forgot - really forgot - about her for a few moments."

"That - is that what you were aiming for?"

"It's not healthy to drown in _creepy_ thoughts all day."

"Only you would think to come up with such an elaborate plan - "

"And it did help. I...I don't like to see you like this, Wilson. There is something good that has come out of my being in a relationship with Cuddy, and that is that I'm not so afraid to...open up. Show what I feel. And what I honestly feel right now, is guilty for kicking you out. I'm sorry."

"I...wow."

"Mm."

"Well, I don't know what - thank you, I guess. I accept your apology."

"So we're okay?"

"Of course we're okay...I mean, you're...you know. All I've got. Don't take the piss out on me for saying that."

"I won't. Because I would be okay without Cuddy - I was for about twenty years - but I wouldn't be okay without you."

"Why...House!"

"What?"

"Your human side is showing."

"Where?"

"Listen, you're a good friend."

"I know. I do love you, Wilson."

"I - well, I love you too."

"Will you drink the beer now?"

"I...suppose."

"Good. Don't tell anyone, but a nice, long hug sounds great."

"You are _so_ out of your mind. Just hold on - I'll go grab my loincloth."


End file.
